THE EVOLUTION OF A TESTIMONY: Day 38
All of these journal posts probably make it seem like my faith was very rarely tested. Well sometimes it was. And it was tested really harshly. But, it is amazing to see how sometimes it's the most heart-tearing moment that bring you closest to Christ.
Today is June 19, 2009. Before today, the closest person to me to have died were great grandparents and even as a child, I knew it was their time, but I never thought my saragote little brother's time would be today. The ward family has always been close to ours, my mom has always been best friends with his mom. Josh was like a little brother to me in Washington, today was his last day of school- he was driving home and got t-boned. He didn't make it. It's hard to know we prayed so hard for him and my mom even called in to put his name on the prayer role and he still didn't make it. Now we have to pray for his family. At least by knowing he was such a good kid, we know he's in a good place. All I know is we loved him very much. We love you Josh.
|Items left in memory of Josh where his car crashed|
Today is June 21, 2009. I'm fasting today for the Wards and all of Josh's friends. I have to admit since it's Father's day, it's hard with the smell of bacon, but I know it's important. Everyone misses Josh. I thought about everything I'd done with him- all the memories- of him singing Feir Jacques, on the bus, walking home from the bus, him playing his trumpet, babysitting his siblings with him, swigging on his tire swing and riding his zipline, church activities and firesides, his first stake dances, him showing us the 'move it move it' music video over and over again, and talking to him just a few days ago. He told me to take a quiz to see how well I knew him- I only got 15% and I joked and said it was really sad. Now it's not so much a joke. I had talked to him about his plans for the summer and he had said if I saw the Paxman's then I'd probably see him this summer... then he left to watch home improvment. It's been hard. We're hoping to go up in a week when it's a little less overwhelming. I want to be there for my friends- especially Jordan and Andrew who were good friends with Josh. I pray for them. Well I have to finish getting ready for Church.
|My mom with Josh (on the left) and his siblings|
After that entry, Josh's mom showed us that on the back of many of his drawings were also quotes. I wrote all of them down in my journal the next day, but it takes up several pages so I won't write them all in here. One that I did love though, I've already written about: "Make every decision with thought, you don't know what tangent path it'll throw you on. The butterfly (will) effect your world""Hey Journal,
Today is July 15, 2009. Lots has happened.... And now I'm here at the Ward's, sitting on Josh's bed... it's actually more peaceful than eery really. It's sad, but the family is doing pretty good and I think it was good for me to come. Josh's room is interesting. It of course has spider-man stuff on the walls, but he also has tons of his drawings on the wall. Several of them are of sunrises/sunsets. I think it's interesting- he's just a teenage boy, not necessarily a good artist, but he chose to draw things (even just in pencil or crayon) of sunrises... Some of them are very interesting... one that says 'sometimes we are like the birds. We are so close to the sun that we fly deeper and into the storm until we can't get out. If we could only forever keep our eyes on the setting sun, far of and in the horizon, then we would never find ourselves lost in the cast sun and ocean of the world'. On the same page is another trace of his hand, on the inside it says 'this is my body's hand. It's size and strength and capabilities are determined without my input, consent or knowledge' around the outside of the fingers it says 'and this is my soul's hand. I can be as big and bold as I chose to be, for my mind has no limits and neither does me soul'...
He was very reflective. It's almost like he knew. I wish I could talk to him now and ask what was on his mind. It's like he was gone before he was really gone... He is very missed, but I think we're all pretty much at peace. It's a hard thing to explain. Well my mom is at the temple with Laure, but I should probably go do something.
"...The one of the cross above his bed says 'Your not dead until you're forgotten. Do something worth remembering'. There are so many deep quotes, it's like he knew his time was limited, whether he knew he knew or not. I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling and what he knew, but like Josh pointed out in one of his quotes- 'the only thing you can prove is that you can't prove anything'. We'll never be able to prove that he knew or why he thought so indeptly, so we just have to be thankful we know where he is now- in good hands. And of course-
Something about that trip to be with Josh's family really brought new perspective for me. I didn't notice until now, that this was the point in my life that I started signing my journal entries "love always" constantly. I wish it hadn't had to be because of the death of such a great person, but I learned so much from Josh and through the trails that everyone who knew him faced. I really could feel the spirit when I was with his friends and family on that trip. It was like they were in a protective, heavenly bubble. Christ was upholding us. I'm grateful to know the blessings of the temple that will allow Josh to be with his family forever and that Christ has suffered all so that we can always be close to him. Heaven is not so far away.